Your Questions Answered
Support for families affected by a loved one’s addiction
Addiction affects the whole family, and it often brings confusion, worry, and difficult decisions. This page brings together answers to the most common questions families ask us.
Use the buttons to jump straight to the section most relevant to you.
Understanding your situation
Why this feels so hard, what others are going through, and how to respond to tricky or risky situations
Communicating with your loved one
How to talk about addiction without blame, and how to handle conversations when trust is low or emotions run high.
Your behaviour & boundaries
What helps vs. what enables, how to set boundaries with love, and how to stop losing yourself in the process.
Living with the consequences
What to do when it feels impossible—whether they’ve stolen, threatened suicide, or are at risk of homelessness.
Our services and support
Yes. Our services are confidential. We do not share your details unless legally required or if there is a serious risk of harm to you or someone else.
Confidentiality is essential in creating a safe, non-judgmental space where families can seek support. Addiction affects the whole family, and it’s important that you feel you can speak openly about your struggles without fear of shame or exposure.
Many people hesitate to reach out for help because they feel isolated or worry about being judged. Seeking support is not a betrayal of your loved one—it is a necessary step in understanding addiction and protecting your own well-being. Having a private, supportive space to talk can help you gain clarity, set healthy boundaries, and explore ways to help your loved one while also looking after yourself.
Understanding your situation
You are not alone. Addiction impacts millions of families*, and the feelings of fear, frustration, and heartbreak you’re experiencing are shared by many. It’s common for addiction to create isolation, but connecting with others who understand can provide relief, reassurance, and valuable insights.
*Nearly half of UK adults (47%) have either experienced or know someone who has lived with drug, alcohol, medication or gambling dependency. Countrywide, this equates to around 23 million adults affected by addiction. (Taking Action on Addiction, 2024)
At Addiction Family Support, we receive an average of 900 calls every month from people facing similar challenges. This highlights just how widespread these struggles are and that many families are searching for support, just like you.
While every situation is unique, addiction follows recognisable patterns across different families. Many people struggle with the same difficult questions—how to help their loved one without enabling, how to set boundaries while remaining compassionate, and how to cope with the uncertainty that addiction brings.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, a leading addiction recovery researcher, says:
“Family support plays a critical role in recovery, but families also need support themselves. Connection reduces isolation, builds resilience, and empowers loved ones to navigate addiction more effectively.”
Seeking guidance—whether through family support services, peer groups, or professional advice—can help you feel less alone and provide tools to manage your own well-being while supporting your loved one.
Discovering drugs can be shocking and distressing, and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed. However, how you respond can shape what happens next—both in terms of your relationship with your loved one and their willingness to talk.
How to Approach the Situation:
✔ Pause before reacting – Strong emotions like anger, panic, or fear can push them away rather than encourage an open conversation. Take a moment to collect your thoughts.
✔ Use the moment as an opportunity – If safe, ask open-ended questions to understand rather than accuse:
- “I found something, and I’m worried about you. Can we talk about it?”
- “Is there anything you need support with? I’m here to listen and to help.”
✔ Think about safety – If you want to dispose of the substances, be cautious. Flushing drugs down the toilet can be harmful to the environment, and in some cases, discarding them may escalate tensions.
✔ Consider their potential response – If they discover the drugs are missing, they may react with anger, denial, or defensiveness. Preparing for this possibility can help you stay calm and focused.
✔ Recognise this as a turning point– This discovery may open the door to a deeper discussion about their substance use. How you approach it can influence whether they engage with support or become more secretive.
Professor Sir John Strang, a leading expert in addiction, highlights the importance of timing in conversations:
“How we engage with someone about their substance use can determine whether they shut down or feel safe enough to reflect. Approaching with curiosity rather than judgment increases the likelihood of meaningful change.”
While finding drugs in your loved one’s belongings is deeply concerning, it’s also an opportunity to start a conversation—one that prioritises their well-being while also considering your own boundaries and next steps.
In most cases, if the police find small amounts of substances on your loved one, for personal use, like cannabis or a few grams of ketamine, you will not be held responsible—the consequences will apply only to them, not to you.
However, if larger amounts are found, or if there is evidence that your home was being used for storing or supplying drugs, and you knowingly allowed this to happen, then legal consequences may arise. This could be considered “permitting premises to be used for drug-related activities,” which is an offence under UK law.
If you’re unsure about your legal standing, it can help to:
- Be honest with the police about what you did and didn’t know.
- Avoid panicking—having concerns about your loved one’s drug use does not make you guilty of a crime.
- Seek independent legal advice if large amounts of substances are involved, or if you are being questioned about your knowledge of their activities.
Where to Get Legal Advice:
- Release – UK centre for drug laws & human rights, offering free and confidential legal advice: click here
- Law Centres Network – Find a local law centre for free legal help: click here
- Citizens Advice – Legal guidance on drug-related offences: click here
- Find a Solicitor – Search for a criminal defence solicitor via The Law Society: click here
This is a difficult situation, and it’s understandable to feel worried. However, in most cases, family members and friends are not prosecuted simply for having a loved one with a drug problem—the focus is usually on the individual in possession of the substances.
This is an incredibly difficult and distressing situation. It’s natural to want to protect your loved one, but paying off the debt is rarely the best long-term solution. While it may provide temporary relief, it can also:
- Reinforce risky behaviour – If debts are repeatedly cleared, your loved one may feel less urgency to change their behaviour.
- Encourage further borrowing – Dealers may see them as someone with financial backing, leading to new debts.
- Place you at risk – Getting involved in financial dealings with drug dealers can be dangerous, as it may increase pressure for future payments.
Instead of paying the debt, consider:
- Assessing the immediate risk – If there is a serious and urgent threat to their safety, contact the police (999 in an emergency) or report concerns anonymously via Crimestoppers (0800 555 111, click here).
- Encouraging your loved one to seek support – Helping them access treatment, harm reduction services, or professional advice is far more effective than repeatedly bailing them out.
- Setting clear financial boundaries – If you feel pressured to pay, acknowledge their fear but stand firm in your limits. Financial boundaries protect both you and them from long-term harm. If they are facing financial exploitation, seek specialist support:
- Stop Loan Sharks – Help for those facing threats over unpaid debts: click here
- Citizens Advice – Advice on illegal money lending and financial threats: click here
- National Debtline – Free, confidential advice on managing financial problems: click here
- Exploring harm reduction strategies – If they are unwilling to seek treatment, understanding safer ways to navigate their situation may help reduce risks. Organisations like FRANK (click here) offer harm reduction advice.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“Families often feel pressured to fix financial problems caused by addiction, but financial rescue often accidentally supports the behaviour that needs to change. True support means helping them take responsibility while ensuring safety is addressed in the right way.”
It’s important to balance concern for their safety with an approach that doesn’t unintentionally enable ongoing harm. Seeking support for yourself—whether through helplines, counselling, or peer support—can help you navigate this incredibly difficult decision with clarity and compassion.
There are several treatment options available, and choosing the right one depends on factors like the severity of addiction, their willingness to engage in treatment, and available resources.
Types of Treatment Options:
- NHS-funded treatment – Free but may involve waiting lists. Includes detox, rehab, and outpatient services.
- Private rehab – Immediate access but expensive. Programs vary in quality, and success depends on engagement, not just the facility.
- Community-based support – Includes harm reduction, counselling, and structured recovery services. This can be a good first step for those hesitant about formal treatment.
- Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT) – For some addictions, prescribed medications can help manage cravings and withdrawal.
- Peer support groups – Groups like SMART Recovery and 12-step programs (AA, NA) can provide long-term support.
Where to Find Help in the UK:
- NHS Drug and Alcohol Services – Find local NHS treatment options: click here
- Turning Point – Offers NHS and private addiction treatment, including detox and rehab: click here
- We Are With You – Free, confidential support for drug and alcohol concerns: click here
- SMART Recovery UK – A science-based alternative to 12-step programs: click here
- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) – Peer support for alcohol addiction: click here
- Narcotics Anonymous (NA) – Peer support for drug addiction: click here
Private rehab can be helpful, but it is not a guaranteed solution. Recovery is a long-term process, and success depends on their commitment to change, not just the treatment facility.
Be aware of high relapse rates post-treatment – Research suggests that 65-70% of people relapse within the first 90 days after treatment. This does not mean rehab is ineffective, but it highlights the importance of aftercare and ongoing support.
Watch out for ‘referral agents’ – Some websites claiming to offer independent and free rehab advice are actually profit-driven referral agents.
These companies:
✔ Work with a limited number of treatment centres (not all available options).
✔ Negotiate different referral fees, meaning financial gain may influence their recommendations.
✔ Take a large portion of the patient’s treatment fee as commission.
Before making financial decisions, consider:
✔ Is my loved one genuinely ready for treatment? – Being pressured into rehab often leads to relapse once they leave.
✔ What happens after rehab? – Post-rehab support and aftercare (therapy, community support, ongoing treatment) is just as important as rehab itself.
✔ Would another option work just as well? – Many people recover without private rehab, using NHS and community-based support.
If your loved one is unsure about treatment, starting with harm reduction, community support, or outpatient services may be a more effective stepping stone toward long-term recovery.
“You cannot change somebody else’s behaviour; you can only change your responses to it.” – A core principle of CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training), developed by Dr. Robert J. Meyers, this approach emphasizes that while you cannot force change, you can create conditions that make recovery more likely. Encouraging them to take responsibility for their own recovery is key.
Recovery is rarely a straight path—most people experience setbacks before achieving long-term stability. However, not all setbacks are the same.
- A lapse is a short, temporary return to substance use or gambling. It may be a one-time event or a brief slip before resuming recovery.
- A relapse is a more sustained return to previous levels of use, often leading back into old patterns of addiction.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“Understanding the difference between lapse and relapse helps families respond appropriately—one does not always lead to the other, and both can be learning opportunities rather than failures.”
How to Respond with Compassion and Boundaries
✔ Stay calm – Your initial reaction matters. Expressing anger or disappointment may push your loved one away when they most need support.
✔ Acknowledge progress – A lapse or relapse does not erase the work they’ve done. Try:
“I know you’ve been trying, and this is a setback, but I believe in you.”
✔ Avoid shame or blame – Guilt can drive further substance use. Instead of “How could you let this happen?”, try “What do you think triggered this, and what can we do differently?”
✔ Encourage re-engagement with support – Ask if they need help reconnecting with treatment, meetings, or a support network.
✔ Reinforce your boundaries – Supporting them doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour. If their lapse or relapse has led to broken trust or unsafe situations, calmly restate your boundaries.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Relapse is a reality for many, but recovery remains possible for everyone. The goal is progress, not perfection.”
Understanding Lapse, Relapse & the Cycle of Change
Addiction recovery is often described using the Cycle of Change, a model showing how people move through different stages of readiness for recovery. Many people move back and forth between these stages multiple times before sustaining long-term change.
- 40-60% of people in recovery experience a relapse at some point.
- 3 out of 4 people (75%) recover from addiction—but recovery looks different for everyone. Some maintain complete abstinence, while others focus on avoiding substances they struggle to moderate.
What matters most is not the lapse or relapse itself, but what happens next.
What If They Are Not Ready to Recommit to Recovery?
✔ Focus on solutions, not punishment – Even if they are not ready to engage, keep the door open for future conversations.
✔ Prioritise your own well-being – Maintain boundaries and seek support for yourself if this setback is affecting your mental health.
Relapse is not the end of recovery—it is part of the process for many people. With the right support, they can find their way back to stability.
When a loved one has both addiction and a mental health condition (dual diagnosis) or a neurodevelopmental disorder, setting boundaries and providing support can feel even more complex. Their additional challenges may affect how they respond to boundaries, process emotions, and engage with treatment.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“When addiction coexists with mental health or neurodevelopmental conditions, understanding individual needs is crucial. Boundaries still matter, but they must be adapted to ensure they are both firm and fair.”
How Mental Health and Neurodiversity Affect Boundaries & Support
✔ Impulsivity and Emotional Regulation – Conditions like ADHD and OCD may make it harder for them to regulate emotions or resist impulses, leading to higher risk-taking and emotional outbursts. Boundaries may need clear, consistent reinforcement.
✔ Rigid Thinking & Routine Dependence – People with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) often rely on predictability and struggle with sudden changes. Setting boundaries may need to be explained clearly and introduced gradually.
✔ Heightened Anxiety & Emotional Sensitivity – Conditions like OCD, PTSD, and depression can make addiction feel like a coping mechanism. Boundaries should acknowledge their struggles while reinforcing healthier alternatives.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Setting boundaries is still essential, even when mental health conditions are involved. The key is to recognize their specific challenges while ensuring that boundaries are supportive, not punitive.”
How to Adapt Boundaries for Someone with a Coexisting Condition
✔ Be clear and predictable – Ambiguity can increase distress. Use direct, calm language when setting limits.
✔ Offer structure, not just ultimatums – If they struggle with routines, try structured steps rather than sudden rule changes.
✔ Acknowledge their needs, but don’t excuse destructive behaviour – Mental health challenges do not mean boundaries aren’t necessary. Example: “I understand that you struggle with impulsivity, but I still cannot give you money.”
✔ Encourage professional support tailored to both addiction and their condition – Some services specialize in dual diagnosis (addiction + mental health conditions).
The Bottom Line
Your loved one’s condition does not mean you should tolerate harmful behaviours—but it does mean that boundaries may need to be communicated in a way that works for them. Firm, compassionate, and structured boundaries help support both their recovery and their unique challenges.
Communicating with your loved one
Talking to a loved one about their substance use can feel overwhelming, especially if you fear pushing them away. However, how you approach the conversation can make a significant difference in whether they engage or shut down.
How to Approach the conversation with care:
✔ Choose the right moment – Timing is crucial. Avoid bringing it up when they are intoxicated, highly stressed, or in a confrontational situation. A calm, private moment increases the chances of a productive discussion.
✔ Use “I” statements – Instead of blaming, focus on how their behaviour affects you:
“I’ve noticed some changes, and I’m worried about you.”
“I care about you, and I want to understand what’s going on.”
✔ Listen more than you talk – People struggling with addiction often feel judged or misunderstood. Give them space to talk, even if they are defensive at first.
✔ Avoid blame or shame – Addiction is complex, and guilt can fuel substance use. Instead of saying “You need to stop this!”, try “I want to support you in any way I can.”
✔ Be prepared for resistance – They may deny, minimize, or deflect. Stay patient. Even if they don’t engage immediately, you’re planting the seed for future conversations.
Professor Sir John Strang, an addiction expert, emphasizes:
“The way we open a conversation about drug use can shape the entire response. A non-confrontational, compassionate approach makes it more likely that someone will reflect on their behaviour rather than retreat into defensiveness.”
Approaching with curiosity rather than judgment allows them to feel heard. While you cannot force them to open up, you can create a safe space where they feel comfortable talking when they’re ready.
It’s understandable to feel conflicted. On one hand, your concern is valid; on the other, searching their belongings may damage trust. The key is how you handle the conversation moving forward.
Before You Decide to Admit It:
- Consider why you searched – Was it out of fear? Repeated suspicions? A sense that something was “off”? Understanding your own emotions can help guide your approach.
- Think about the impact on trust – If you admit to searching, will they feel betrayed? Will it make them more secretive? Trust is important, even in difficult situations.
- Focus on the bigger picture – The main issue is their substance use, not how you found out. The goal is to open a conversation, not get caught in an argument about privacy.
If You Choose to Admit It:
- Lead with honesty and concern – “I know I shouldn’t have gone through your things, but I was worried. What I found made me even more concerned, and I want to talk about it.”
- Avoid blame or accusations – Instead of “What are you doing with this?”, try “I want to understand what’s going on so I can support you.”
- Be prepared for their reaction – They may be angry, embarrassed, or dismissive. Stay calm and keep the focus on their well-being, not the search itself.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Trust is an essential part of recovery. While boundaries and honesty are important, fostering an environment where someone feels safe to talk—rather than attacked—is what ultimately makes change more likely.”
If bringing it up will shut down communication completely, consider waiting for a different opportunity to talk about your concerns without focusing on how you found out. Prioritising an open and non-confrontational approach will make them more likely to engage.
“Tough love” is often used to describe setting firm boundaries and refusing to enable a loved one’s addiction, even when it’s painful. Some people believe it means cutting someone off completely until they choose recovery, while others see it as a way of loving someone while no longer supporting destructive behaviours.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“Tough love, when misunderstood, can lead to complete disconnection. But true tough love is about balancing boundaries with compassion—ensuring that while you don’t enable, you also don’t abandon.”
The Difference Between Tough Love and Supportive Boundaries
Unhelpful Tough Love:
- Cutting all contact with no explanation.
- Using shame or punishment to try to force change.
- Saying things like, “I’m done with you until you get your act together.”
Healthy Tough Love (Supportive Boundaries):
- Communicating clearly: “I love you, but I cannot support behaviours that harm you and me.”
- Allowing natural consequences without rescuing them from every crisis.
- Providing pathways to help while not forcing them into treatment.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Effective boundaries don’t mean cutting off love—they mean ensuring that support encourages recovery rather than maintaining the cycle of addiction.”
Should I Use Tough Love?
It depends on what you mean by it. If it means withholding financial support, refusing to enable, and maintaining your own well-being, then yes. If it means cutting them off entirely and leaving them to hit rock bottom, then be cautious—many people recover because they still have connections, not because they have lost everything.
The Bottom Line
True support means balancing compassion with firm boundaries—offering love and help in a way that supports recovery, rather than enabling addiction.
“Rock bottom” is often described as the lowest point someone reaches before they are willing to seek help. For some, this might be a major crisis—losing a job, being arrested, or experiencing serious health issues. For others, it’s a more personal realisation that their substance use is out of control and affecting their relationships, health, or future.
However, rock bottom is not a fixed event or a necessary step toward recovery. The idea that someone must lose everything before they change is a harmful myth.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“The notion of ‘rock bottom’ is misleading. Change happens at different points for different people. The key is not waiting for devastation but creating opportunities for motivation and support along the way.”
Instead of focusing on whether they’ve hit rock bottom, the question should be:
- What might help them recognise the need for change?
- Are there ways to introduce support before a major crisis occurs?
No. People do not need to hit rock bottom to change. In fact, waiting for someone to reach their lowest point can be dangerous—it may mean serious harm, legal trouble, overdose, or even death.
Studies show that compassionate, consistent support increases the likelihood of change. Encouraging small steps toward recovery, even when they seem resistant, is often more effective than waiting for a crisis.
Professor Sir John Strang, an addiction specialist, emphasizes:
“Recovery is not about hitting rock bottom; it’s about creating stepping stones that make change possible before crisis occurs. Rock bottom isn’t an actual place and it’s a different place for everyone – it’s where you were when you began to turn things around.”
Rather than waiting for a catastrophe, families can focus on reducing harm, setting boundaries, and encouraging healthier choices. Even small changes—seeking advice, attending a support group, or reducing substance use—can be the start of a long-term shift toward recovery.
Your behaviour & boundaries
No. You are not responsible for your loved one’s addiction. Addiction is a complex condition influenced by genetics, brain chemistry, trauma, mental health, and social factors—it is not caused by one person’s actions.
Many family members feel guilt, wondering if they did something wrong—was I too strict? Too lenient? Did I miss the signs? But the reality is: even the most loving, supportive families experience addiction.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Families often carry an overwhelming sense of guilt, but addiction is not a reflection of parenting, love, or effort. It is a medical condition that requires treatment and support.”
Why Do Families Feel Responsible?
✔ Because they love their person deeply – Watching someone struggle hurts, and it’s natural to look for answers.
✔ Because addiction causes manipulation – Some people in addiction blame loved ones (“If you had done things differently, I wouldn’t be like this”) to deflect responsibility.
✔ Because they wonder if they missed warning signs – But addiction often develops gradually, and even if you had noticed earlier, it does not mean you could have prevented it.
What You Are Responsible For:
✔ How you respond now – Learning about addiction, setting boundaries, and finding support for yourself.
✔ Your own well-being – You cannot control their addiction, but you can take care of yourself.
“You cannot change somebody else’s behaviour; you can only change your responses to it.”
The Bottom Line
You did not cause your loved one’s addiction, and you cannot control their recovery. But you can support them in a way that encourages change while also protecting your own mental and emotional health.
It’s natural to want your loved one to get help, but you cannot force them into treatment—change must come from them. However, you can influence their willingness to engage by providing support, encouragement, and setting clear boundaries.
What Helps Someone Become Open to Treatment?
✔ Meet them where they are, not where you want them to be – They may not be ready to quit, but even small steps—like discussing their substance use or considering harm reduction—can be progress.
✔ Focus on motivation, not ultimatums – Instead of saying, “You need to get help,” try, “I care about you and want to understand what’s going on. Have you thought about talking to someone?”
✔ Reinforce the benefits of change – People are more likely to consider treatment when they see what they gain, rather than just what they lose. Highlight things like better health, relationships, connection, stability, and self-respect.
✔ Offer practical support – Discuss treatment options without pressuring them. If they express interest, help them find local services or offer to go with them to an appointment.
✔ Set boundaries while remaining supportive – Avoid enabling behaviours that protect them from consequences (e.g., repeatedly paying debts), but make it clear that you still care and are there to support positive change.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, emphasizes:
“Recovery isn’t about forcing someone into treatment—it’s about creating conditions that make them more likely to choose it for themselves.”
What If They Refuse Help?
If they aren’t ready, avoid power struggles. Instead:
- Keep the conversation open.
- Encourage even small steps, like reading about recovery or attending one meeting.
- Take care of your own well-being—your support is important, but so are your boundaries.
Even if it feels like nothing is working, people often come back to conversations about treatment later. Staying consistent, compassionate, and firm can increase the chances of them seeking help when they are ready.
There are several types of support services and professionals that can help your loved one, depending on their needs and readiness for change. The most effective help depends on where they are in their journey—whether they are considering change, actively seeking treatment, or managing recovery.
Professional Treatment Options:
✔ NHS & Private Drug and Alcohol Services – These offer detox, rehab, counselling, and medication-assisted treatment (e.g., methadone for opioid addiction). NHS services are free but may have waiting lists, while private rehab offers quicker access at a cost. Many local NHS services accept self-referrals, which is often faster than waiting for a GP appointment.
✔ Community-Based Harm Reduction Services – For those not yet ready to stop, these services provide needle exchanges, substitute prescribing, and overdose prevention. They focus on keeping people safer while they work toward recovery.
✔ Therapists & Counsellors Specialised in Addiction – Private therapy or NHS-referred counselling can help address the underlying causes of addiction, such as trauma, mental health issues, or emotional struggles.
✔ GPs (General Practitioners) – A GP can refer your loved one to NHS drug and alcohol services or provide medical support for withdrawal symptoms.
Peer and Community Support:
✔ 12-Step Programs (E.g. AA, NA) – Anonymous groups where people share experiences and support each other in recovery. These work well for some but aren’t suited to everyone.
✔ SMART Recovery – A science-based alternative to 12-step programs that focuses on self-empowerment, motivation, and behaviour change.
✔ Online & Helpline Support – If they’re not ready for in-person help, many services offer anonymous online chat and phone support.
Professor Sir John Strang, an addiction expert, explains:
“Effective addiction support isn’t just about getting into treatment—it’s about making sure people have the right help at the right time, whether that’s harm reduction, therapy, or community support.”
What If They Don’t Want Help?
Even if your loved one isn’t ready to engage in treatment, you can still seek support for yourself. Family services can help you set boundaries, understand addiction, and manage your own well-being while you support them.
Sometimes, the first step toward change isn’t them seeking help—it’s you learning how to navigate the situation in a way that encourages them towards it.
It’s completely understandable to want to say or do something that will make your loved one stop using. Addiction is painful to witness, and you may feel desperate for the right words or actions to break the cycle.
However, there is no single thing you can say or do that will make them stop—because addiction is not simply a choice, it’s a complex biopsychosocial condition involving brain chemistry, emotional distress, and habitual patterns of behaviour.
What You CAN Do Instead:
✔ Create an environment where change is possible – While you can’t force them to stop, you can influence their motivation by being supportive, setting boundaries, and reinforcing the benefits of recovery.
✔ Encourage small steps, rather than demanding immediate change – Pressuring them to “just stop” often backfires. Instead, try:
- “I care about you, and I’d love to see you healthier. Have you thought about talking to someone?”
- “I can see you’re struggling. Would you be open to looking at ways to make things easier for yourself?”
✔ Set clear but compassionate boundaries – You can’t control their choices, but you can control your responses. Boundaries are not about punishment—they are about protecting your own well-being while still being supportive.
✔ Avoid arguments about willpower or morality – Addiction is not just about poor decision-making. Studies show that stress, trauma, genetics, and brain chemistry all play a role in compulsive substance use.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“The question isn’t ‘How do I make them stop?’ but ‘How do I support them in making the decision to stop themselves?’ Recovery is most successful when individuals feel empowered rather than forced.”
What If They Refuse to Stop?
- Focus on harm reduction – If they aren’t ready to quit, encouraging safer behaviours (e.g., using in a safer setting, carrying naloxone for heroin overdose prevention) can reduce risks.
- Seek support for yourself – It’s exhausting to carry this alone. Talking to a professional or others, in a support group, can help you navigate your own emotions and decisions.
- Remember: You are not responsible for their choices – “You cannot change somebody else’s behaviour; you can only change your responses to it.”
It’s incredibly difficult to accept that you can’t force change—but your support, encouragement, and boundaries can be powerful influences when they are ready to take that step.
When you love someone struggling with addiction, it’s natural to want to protect them from harm. However, sometimes well-intentioned help can unintentionally enable their harmful use of alcohol, drugs or gambling—making it easier for them to continue rather than face the reality of their situation.
What is Enabling?
Enabling happens when your actions remove the natural consequences of their addiction, allowing them to continue without fully experiencing the impact of their behaviour. This can take many forms, such as:
- Providing money – Even if it’s intended for food, rent, or transport, it may be used to buy substances.
- Covering up their mistakes – Making excuses to their employer, paying off debts, or lying to family and friends to protect them.
- Avoiding difficult conversations – Not addressing concerns out of fear they will get upset or push you away.
- Taking over their responsibilities – Doing things they should be doing for themselves, like paying bills, arranging appointments, cooking for them or cleaning up after them.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“Enabling is not about blame—it’s about recognising when well-meaning actions are shielding a person from the consequences that might encourage change.”
How to Support Without Enabling:
✔ Ask yourself: Is this helping them recover, or helping them stay the same?
✔ Set boundaries that protect your well-being – Example: “I can’t give you money, but I will help you look into support options.”
✔ Encourage responsibility – If they are struggling with consequences, let them take ownership rather than stepping in to fix things.
✔ Support their recovery, not their addiction – If they are willing to engage with help, offer emotional or practical support (e.g., attending an appointment with them).
Compassionate Support, Not Co-Dependency
It’s important to balance boundaries with compassion. Addiction is complex, and cutting off all support isn’t always the answer—but neither is protecting them from consequences that might lead to change.
You can be supportive while still setting limits. Enabling keeps them stuck; compassionate boundaries give them the chance to step forward when they are ready.
Boundaries are the limits you set to protect your own well-being while supporting your loved one. They are not about punishment or control—they are about defining what you will and won’t accept in your relationship with them.
When a loved one struggles with addiction, boundaries help:
✔ Protect your emotional and mental health
✔ Encourage responsibility by allowing them to face the consequences of their choices
✔ Prevent enabling behaviours while still offering support
✔ Maintain respect in your relationship
What Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?
Boundaries will look different for everyone, but examples include:
- “I love you, but I won’t give you money for any reason.”
- “I won’t allow drugs or alcohol in my home.”
- “I will not lie for you or cover up the consequences of your substance use.”
- “If you turn up intoxicated, I will leave the conversation and talk to you when you’re sober.”
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Boundaries are not about forcing change—they’re about creating a structure where change becomes more possible. Consistency is key to making them effective.”
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
✔ Be clear and consistent – Boundaries lose power if they change based on mood or situation.
✔ Remain compassionate – Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you care about yourself, too.
✔ Expect pushback – Your loved one may resist boundaries at first. That doesn’t mean they’re wrong; it means they’re working.
Boundaries vs. Ultimatums
Ultimatum: “If you don’t stop using, I’m never speaking to you again.”
Boundary: “I cannot have a relationship with you while you’re using, but when you’re ready for help, I’ll be here.”
Boundaries allow you to support your loved one without losing yourself in their addiction. They are a powerful tool in balancing compassion with self-preservation—helping both you and your loved one move forward.
When a loved one is struggling with addiction, it’s easy to become completely consumed by their needs, their safety, and their future. You may feel guilty for focusing on yourself when they are in crisis, but your well-being matters, too. In fact, taking care of yourself is one of the most effective ways to support them without losing yourself in the process.
Why Your Well-Being Matters
✔ You can’t pour from an empty cup – If you neglect your own health, emotional well-being, and stability, you won’t be able to support them effectively.
✔ Burnout and stress don’t help either of you – Constantly worrying about them doesn’t change their behaviour, but it does drain your energy and make it harder to set boundaries.
✔ You deserve support, too – Addiction impacts the whole family. Seeking help for yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Families often believe they must sacrifice their own well-being to help a loved one struggling with addiction. But research shows that when family members set boundaries and focus on their own resilience, they provide better, more sustainable support.”
Practical Ways to Take Care of Yourself While Still Supporting Them
✔ Set clear boundaries – Loving someone does not mean tolerating harmful behaviour. “I care about you, but I need to look after myself too.”
✔ Seek support for yourself – Family support groups, therapy, or simply talking to others who understand can reduce stress and feelings of isolation.
✔ Prioritise self-care – Make time for activities that bring you peace—exercise, meditation, hobbies, or time with supportive people.
✔ Recognize that their recovery is their responsibility – You can encourage and support, but you cannot control or force them to change.
Finding the Balance Between Helping Them and Helping Yourself
It is possible to be compassionate while also protecting your own well-being. In fact, when you focus on your own strength and stability, you become a more effective source of support—not just for them, but for yourself and others around you.
“You cannot change somebody else’s behaviour; you can only change your responses to it.”
By prioritizing your own health and emotional well-being, you are not giving up on them—you are ensuring that you can offer support without losing yourself in their addiction.
Supporting someone with addiction can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Many family members experience chronic stress, anxiety, depression, or even trauma as a result. It’s common to feel:
✔ Emotionally drained – Constant worry and unpredictability can feel overwhelming.
✔ Triggered by past experiences – If you have your own history of trauma, mental health struggles, or addiction, this situation may bring up old wounds.
✔ Like your own needs don’t matter – You may feel guilty for struggling when your loved one is in crisis.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Addiction doesn’t just affect the person using substances—it affects entire families. Seeking therapy or support for yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary to remain strong and effective in your role.”
Ways to Support Yourself While Supporting Them
✔ Recognize when it’s triggering you – If their behaviour is bringing up your own emotional struggles, therapy can help you process these feelings.
✔ Set limits on how much emotional energy you can give – You do not have to be their only source of support.
✔ Consider therapy, family support groups, or professional guidance – Speaking with a therapist or joining a group like SMART Recovery Family & Friends can provide coping strategies.
✔ Prioritize your own well-being – Exercise, meditation, journaling, or simply having time away from the situation can prevent burnout.
You Are Not Alone—Support Is Available
You don’t have to carry this alone. Talking to someone who understands can make a huge difference. If you need support, you can call Addiction Family Support’s free helpline, where someone will listen, understand, and support you:
Helpline: 0300 888 3853
The Bottom Line
You matter, too. Supporting someone with addiction is challenging, and you cannot pour from an empty cup. Seeking therapy, counselling, or peer support for yourself is not a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward ensuring you can navigate this situation without losing yourself in it.
Living with the consequences
There is a possibility that they might but giving them money does not prevent this from happening. Many family members feel trapped—either they give money and fear it will fund their addiction, or they withhold it and worry their loved one will resort to stealing.
Why Giving Money Doesn’t Solve the Problem
- Addiction creates desperation – When substance use becomes compulsive, a person’s ability to make rational financial decisions is often impaired. Even if you give them money for food or rent, it may still end up being used for drugs or alcohol.
- Stealing is about more than just money – If someone is stealing, it’s not just because they’re financially struggling—it’s because their addiction is driving their behaviour. Providing money doesn’t address the root issue.
- They need support, not a financial lifeline – If they are struggling to meet basic needs, there may be better ways to help than handing over cash.
What You Can Do Instead of Giving Money
✔ Offer essentials, not cash – If they need food, buy them a meal. If they need a bus fare, purchase a ticket.
✔ Encourage professional support – Helping them access treatment or harm reduction services is far more effective than financial support.
✔ Set clear boundaries – Let them know why you won’t give money: “I love you, and I want to support you, but I can’t give you money because I know it won’t help in the long run.”
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Addiction can drive individuals to desperate behaviours, but financial support from family often prolongs the cycle rather than breaking it. Boundaries, combined with access to professional help, provide a stronger foundation for recovery.”
What If They Steal Anyway?
If your loved one is stealing, it’s important to:
✔ Stay calm – Reacting with extreme anger may push them further away.
✔ Hold them accountable – Let them know stealing is not acceptable, and that trust needs to be rebuilt.
✔ Reinforce boundaries – Make it clear that while you care about them, you won’t allow theft to go without consequences.
Compassion with Boundaries
It’s natural to feel guilty for withholding money, but true support means prioritising their recovery over short-term relief. Your role is to encourage them toward help, not to shield them from the consequences of addiction.
This is one of the hardest dilemmas a family faces. The thought of a loved one becoming homeless is terrifying, and it’s natural to want to provide shelter. However, if their presence at home is causing harm—to you, to others in the household, or even to themselves—then maintaining clear boundaries may be necessary.
Balancing Boundaries with Compassion
✔ Understand that homelessness is not always the wake-up call we hope for – Some people assume that losing housing will force someone to seek help, but research shows that addiction often worsens in unstable environments.
✔ Consider if home is enabling their behaviour – If they are actively using and refusing help, living at home may not be helping them move toward recovery.
✔ Look at alternative options – If asking them to leave feels necessary, exploring housing or treatment services beforehand can provide a softer landing.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“Family members often feel they have only two choices—tolerate harmful behaviour or make their loved one homeless. The reality is that there are ways to set firm boundaries while still offering pathways to support.”
What You Can Do Instead of Simply Throwing Them Out
✔ Set conditions for staying – Example: “You can live here, but only if you respect the rules—no drugs in the house, no stealing, and a willingness to seek help.”
✔ Help them access alternative housing – This could be supported accommodation, temporary shelters, or recovery housing.
- Shelter – Housing advice and emergency support: click here
- StreetLink – Helps connect rough sleepers to local outreach teams: click here
- NACRO – Offers housing support for vulnerable people: click here
- Crisis – Helps people experiencing homelessness with housing and support: click here
- Centrepoint – Supports homeless young adults aged 16-25: click here
✔ Remain emotionally available – Even if they can’t stay with you, make it clear you still love them and want them to get help.
If They End Up Homeless
If they leave and have no safe place to go:
✔ Encourage them to seek help – Many areas have crisis housing services and addiction outreach teams that can assist. If someone is homeless or likely to become homeless in the next eight weeks, they have the right to be assessed by their local council for help by making a homeless application. This can be a slow process, but it’s worth doing—as they will be assigned a housing officer who will create a support
✔ Check in when possible – Even if they aren’t ready for treatment, maintaining some level of contact may help them engage when they are.
✔ Remember: Their choices are their own – You cannot force them to change, but you can set boundaries while still holding space for them to return when they’re ready.
You cannot change somebody else’s behaviour; you can only change your responses to it.
This is not about punishment—it’s about ensuring that support is available in ways that encourage recovery, rather than maintaining a situation that keeps them stuck.
This is an incredibly painful and deeply personal decision. As a parent, your instinct is to protect, nurture, and provide for your child—no matter their age or struggles. The idea of asking them to leave can feel like an unbearable failure, as though you are abandoning them. But setting boundaries is not the same as giving up on them.
Why Does This Feel So Impossible?
✔ Parental guilt – You may feel responsible for their addiction or believe that you should always provide shelter, no matter what.
✔ Fear for their safety – Worrying about what will happen to them if they have nowhere to go is completely understandable.
✔ Hope that home will help them recover – Many parents believe that keeping them at home is the best way to protect and support them.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“Families often struggle with the impossible balance of loving and protecting their child while also trying not to enable destructive behaviour. The key is recognising that keeping them at home doesn’t necessarily mean keeping them safe.”
Does Asking Them to Leave Mean You’ve Failed as a Parent?
Absolutely not. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is set boundaries that protect both you and them.
If their presence at home is:
✖ Disrupting the safety and well-being of you and others in the household
✖ Allowing them to continue using without consequences
✖ Causing financial or emotional harm to you
Then it may be necessary to put boundaries in place, even if that means they need to find somewhere else to stay.
What Can You Do Instead of Letting Them Stay Unconditionally?
✔ Set conditions for staying – Example: “I love you, but I cannot allow drug use in my home. If you’re willing to seek help, I will support you in every way I can.”
✔ Help them access housing options – Some supported housing and addiction recovery programs provide accommodation.
✔ Remain emotionally available – You can still offer love, support, and guidance while maintaining firm boundaries.
If You Let Them Stay, Can You Do It in a Way That Helps?
If you choose to let them remain at home, consider:
✔ Get outside support – You don’t have to manage this alone. Speaking with a professional, family support service, or therapist can help you navigate the situation. Call our helpline to speak with someone who will listen, understand, and support you: 0300 888 3858.
✔ Create structure – Setting clear expectations around their behaviour and contributions can provide stability and reinforce boundaries.
✔ Focus on harm reduction – If they’re not ready to stop using, minimising risks through overdose awareness and safer substance use practices could save their life.
The Bottom Line: You Are Still a Good Parent
Whether you decide to let them stay or ask them to leave, your love for them has never been in question.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, reminds us:
“A parent’s role is to provide love, guidance, and boundaries. Loving someone with addiction means sometimes making the hardest decisions to protect both them and yourself.”
This is not about abandoning them—it’s about making choices that give them the best chance at real, lasting recovery.
Hearing a loved one threaten suicide is terrifying. It can make you feel trapped, as though you must give in to their demands just to keep them safe. But you are not responsible for their actions, and giving in to emotional blackmail does not keep them—or you—safe in the long run.
What Does This Really Mean?
People struggling with addiction often experience deep emotional pain, hopelessness, and desperation. When they threaten suicide, it could mean:
✔ They are in genuine distress and need professional support.
✔ They are using threats to control the situation—not necessarily to manipulate you in a malicious way, but to avoid immediate consequences.
✔ They feel powerless and don’t know how else to express their pain.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“When someone in active addiction talks about suicide, it’s often a reflection of deep emotional turmoil. It’s crucial to take their distress seriously while also ensuring that your responses do not reinforce destructive behaviours.”
How to Respond When They Say This
✔ Take any threat of suicide seriously – If you believe they are at immediate risk, seek urgent help:
- Call 999 (UK emergency services) if there is an immediate danger.
- Samaritans (116 123, 24/7, free, confidential) – click here
- Shout (Text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258, 24/7) – A confidential UK crisis text service – click here
- Mind – Mental Health Support – click here
✔ Do not try to handle this alone – Reach out to professionals who understand both addiction and mental health crises. For expert guidance:
- CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) – Support for those at risk of suicide – click here
- Papyrus – Support for young people (under 35) at risk of suicide – click here
✔ Stay calm and don’t engage in arguments – Instead of reacting with panic, try:
- “I hear that you’re struggling, and I want to support you, but I can’t do that by giving in to something that isn’t helping you.”
- “I care about you too much to continue this cycle. I will help you find the right support.”
✔ Set firm but compassionate boundaries – If they are using threats to manipulate you into giving money, allowing them to stay, or ignoring other boundaries, calmly reinforce your position:
- “I love you, and I want you to be safe. But I cannot be the only person responsible for keeping you safe. Let’s reach out for help together.”
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, emphasizes:
“Compassion and boundaries are not opposites. When a loved one threatens self-harm, we must take it seriously while also ensuring that our response does not reinforce unhealthy patterns.”
What If They Are Not in Immediate Danger?
If they are repeatedly using suicide threats but are not in immediate crisis, it may be time to:
✔ Encourage professional support – Mental health and addiction services can help them develop healthier coping strategies.
✔ Seek support for yourself – You should not have to manage this fear alone. Family support services, therapists, or crisis helplines can guide you.
✔ Remember: You are not their only lifeline – Their safety is not solely your responsibility, and you cannot sacrifice your own well-being to manage their pain.
The Bottom Line
You are not abandoning them by refusing to comply with demands that keep them trapped in addiction. You are offering them real support by encouraging professional help instead of reinforcing harmful patterns.
“You cannot change somebody else’s behaviour; you can only change your responses to it.”
Even though this is one of the most difficult situations to face, setting boundaries while ensuring they have access to help is the best way forward—for them and for you.
This is one of the most painful and terrifying fears families face. You may feel like your choices—whether to withhold money, refuse to let them stay, or set other boundaries—could lead to something terrible happening. The weight of this responsibility can feel unbearable.
But here is the most important truth: You are not responsible for their actions.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Family members often believe that by not giving in, they are pushing their loved one toward harm. But research shows that enabling does not prevent harm—it prolongs addiction. True support comes from setting boundaries while helping them access the right kind of help.”
Why Does It Feel This Way?
✔ Addiction creates fear and uncertainty – You have likely already seen your loved one suffer, and the idea of them being harmed is overwhelming.
✔ They may blame you – Some people in active addiction use emotional pressure—not always intentionally—to get what they want.
✔ You love them and want to protect them – But protecting them shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being or their long-term recovery.
The Reality: Giving In Doesn’t Guarantee Their Safety
- Providing money, shelter, or covering for them doesn’t stop addiction – It often delays real change.
- Harm can happen no matter what you do – Whether you give in or hold firm, they still have to make their own choices.
- Boundaries are not the cause of harm – Addiction itself is what creates risk.
What Can You Do Instead?
✔ Offer real support, not enabling – Example: “I can’t give you money, but I will help you look at treatment options or speak with a support service.”
✔ Encourage professional help – If you’re worried about their safety, suggest reaching out to crisis support services or mental health professionals.
✔ Create clear boundaries with love – Setting limits doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you care enough to help in ways that actually promote recovery.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“Families often struggle with immense guilt when setting boundaries, fearing they will push their loved one toward harm. But enabling a cycle of substance use may not help in the longer term and may not prevent harm — sometimes it can actually reinforce it. Providing pathways to professional support is a more effective long-term solution.”
What If the Worst Happens?
This is the fear that keeps families up at night. If your loved one does come to harm:
✔ Remind yourself that their actions are not your fault.
✔ Seek support for yourself—the emotional impact of addiction is just as real for families.
✔ Know that boundaries were set out of love, not neglect.
“You cannot change somebody else’s behaviour; you can only change your responses to it.”
The Bottom Line
Refusing to give in does not mean you don’t care—it means you care about their recovery more than their immediate comfort. Keeping them safe in the short term should not come at the cost of their long-term well-being or your own.
Deciding whether to allow your loved one back into your home is one of the most difficult and personal choices you may have to make. There is no simple “yes” or “no” answer—it depends on your boundaries, their behaviour, and whether allowing them back will support recovery or continue the cycle of addiction.
Key Questions to Ask Yourself Before Letting Them Back:
✔ Has anything changed? – If the same patterns are likely to repeat, will having them back help or hurt them (and you)?
✔ Are they willing to respect house rules? – Are they open to boundaries, sobriety in the home, or engaging with support?
✔ What is your emotional and mental state? – If having them back will drain you to the point of harm, then it may not be the right decision.
Dr. John Kelly, PhD, explains:
“Families often face a heartbreaking dilemma: do they provide shelter and risk enabling addiction, or set firm boundaries and fear rejection? The key is ensuring that any decision—whether to let them stay or not—is made with clear conditions that protect both parties.”
If You Decide to Let Them Back
If you do allow them to return, set clear, non-negotiable boundaries that protect both you and them:
✔ No substances in the house – If they are using, this boundary must be enforced.
✔ Respect and contribution – They should respect the household, contribute in some way (chores, rent, etc.), and not cause harm.
✔ Engagement with support – You cannot force them into treatment, but you can require them to take steps towards recovery.
Professor Sir John Strang explains:
“Reinstating a loved one into the home can be a powerful opportunity for support, but boundaries still need to be maintained both in terms of protecting one’s own wellbeing as well as supporting the loved one address their addiction and work on their recovery.”
If You Decide NOT to Let Them Back
✔ Make it clear this is about behaviour, not love – “I love you, and I want to see you get better, but I cannot have you living here unless things change.”
✔ Help them explore other housing options – If possible, guide them towards recovery housing, shelters, or other support services.
✔ Stay emotionally available – Keeping communication open (if safe to do so) allows them to know you still care and will support their recovery when they are ready.
The Bottom Line
Letting them back into your home should not come at the cost of your own well-being. It’s not about punishment or rejection—it’s about making a choice that protects both them and you.
“You cannot change somebody else’s behaviour; you can only change your responses to it.”
Whether you allow them back or not, what matters most is that you are making a decision that supports both their potential recovery and your own peace of mind.