Supporting Someone Without Losing Yourself: Setting Healthy Boundaries
When someone you love is struggling with harmful use of alcohol, drugs, or gambling, it is natural to want to do everything you can to help. You might find yourself covering for them, lending money, lying awake worrying, or putting your own needs to one side. Over time, this can leave you exhausted, anxious, and unsure where your own needs and responsibilities end and theirs begin.
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many people find they have lost sight of themselves while trying to hold everything together. Setting healthy boundaries can be one way to start looking after yourself again, without giving up on the person you love.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a limit you set to protect your own wellbeing while supporting your loved one. Boundaries are not about punishment or control. They are about defining what you will and won’t accept in your relationship with them.
It can help to remember that you cannot make another person change. You can, however, choose how you respond to their behaviour, and this can make a real difference to your own health and peace of mind.
Why boundaries matter
Without clear limits, family life can start to revolve around one person’s harmful use. You might notice:
- Feeling constantly on edge, waiting for the next crisis
- Money worries, or being asked for money again and again
- Arguments that go round in circles
- Losing touch with friends or the things you used to enjoy
- Feeling guilty whenever you put yourself first
Boundaries can help you:
- Protect your emotional wellbeing
- Avoid taking responsibility for consequences that are not yours to manage
- Keep offering support without making the harmful use easier to continue
- Maintain respect in your relationship
When helping stops helping
When you love someone, it is natural to want to protect them from harm. Sometimes, though, well-intentioned help can unintentionally shield someone from the consequences of their harmful use. This is sometimes described as “enabling”, although the term can feel blaming. What matters is recognising when the help you provide may be making it easier for the harmful use to continue. This can include:
- Providing money, especially if it puts you under financial pressure, could fund harmful use, or repeatedly shields your loved one from consequences that are theirs to manage
- Covering up their mistakes, such as making excuses to their employer, paying off debts, or lying to family and friends to protect them
- Avoiding difficult conversations out of fear they will get upset or push you away
- Taking over their responsibilities, like paying bills, arranging appointments, cooking for them, or cleaning up after them
If you recognise some of these, try not to be hard on yourself. They come from a place of love.
Enabling is not about blame. It’s about recognising when well-meaning actions are shielding a person from the consequences that might encourage change.
Professor Sir John Strang, Patron of Addiction Family Support
A helpful question to ask yourself is: is this helping them recover, or helping them stay the same?
What a boundary might sound like
Boundaries will look different for everyone, and only you can decide what feels right for your situation. Here are some examples:
- “I love you, but I won’t give you money for any reason.”
- “I can’t give you money, but I will help you look into support options.”
- “I won’t allow alcohol or drugs in my home.”
- “I will not lie for you or cover up the consequences of your drinking, drug use, or gambling.”
- “I am keeping one evening a week for myself, and I will stick to it.”
Boundaries are not ultimatums
An ultimatum is often said in the heat of the moment and is designed to force change. A boundary is about what you will do to protect yourself.
Ultimatum: “If you drink again, you have to leave.”
Boundary: “If you have been drinking and begin shouting at me, I will end the conversation and move somewhere I feel safe.”
Setting a boundary
Start with what matters most. Think about the situation that causes you the most distress. You do not need to change everything at once.
Be clear and consistent. Boundaries lose power if they change based on mood or situation. Use “I” statements that focus on what you will do, rather than what the other person must do.
Choose a calm moment. Try to talk when things are settled, and when your loved one is not under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Remain compassionate. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care about yourself, too.
Expect pushback. Your loved one may resist a new boundary at first. Their reaction does not necessarily mean the boundary is unreasonable. If their response becomes threatening, aggressive, or makes you feel unsafe, put your safety first.
Be kind to yourself. You might give in sometimes. That is okay. You can always reset and try again.
Letting go of guilt
Many people feel guilty when they start saying no. You might worry that you are being unkind, or that something bad will happen if you step back. These feelings are completely understandable.
You are not responsible for changing your loved one’s behaviour or managing their recovery. You can, however, make choices about how you respond and what you need to protect your own wellbeing.
Setting a boundary is not the same as withdrawing your love. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and seeking support for yourself is not selfish. It’s necessary.
Looking after yourself is not a distraction from supporting someone you love. It can help you make more considered choices about what support you can offer and what you need for yourself.
If you feel unsafe
Boundaries should never put you at risk. Do not try to establish or enforce a boundary during an aggressive, threatening, or unsafe situation. If you are worried about your safety, or the safety of anyone in your home, call 999 in an emergency. You can also call the free, 24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
You do not have to do this alone
Setting boundaries can feel hard, especially if you have been caring for someone for a long time. Even if your loved one isn’t ready to accept help, you can still find support for yourself, and talking things through with someone who understands can help.
Addiction Family Support is a UK charity for anyone affected or bereaved by a loved one’s harmful use of alcohol, drugs, or gambling. More than 78% of our staff and trained volunteers have lived experience of a loved one’s addiction, so you will be met with empathy rather than judgement.
Our 5-Step Method support gives you space to be heard, explore how you currently respond to your loved one’s harmful use, consider ways of coping and responding that feel right for you, and build support around you.
All support is free of charge and provided remotely, so you can access it from home wherever you are in the UK.
Call our helpline on 0300 888 3853, seven days a week.
